Well, our family's first Christmas without Felicia has come and gone. It was a season like no other, trying to keep the same traditions for our other five children yet wishing to disregard many of them because of the memories they brought.
It was a season full of reluctance and procrastination for Kevin and me because it felt like the more we put it off, the less we had to think about Felicia not being with us. We put up our tree (artificial every year due to Derrick's allergies) yet it stood there undecorated for almost two weeks. When we finally did decorate it, it wasn't the festive afternoon we all remember in past years. Even the kids hesitated when we pulled out a lot of the crafty ornaments Felicia had made for our family tree.
The worst part seemed to be when we came right down to the parties and celebrations of the season, even the kids were a little reluctant to be carefree and happy the way they should be at Christmas. For the first time in almost 15 years, we didn't hold our annual Rupp Family Drop In...we just didn't feel like it. We held one get-together for Deanna's birthfamily, an annual tradition for the past four years, but even that afternoon we found ourselves with that "forced merriment".
Yet, the hardest part for me was Christmas eve services at church. We sat in the same vicinity as we had for Felicia's services and the whole feeling surrounding us that evening was supportive yet festive and it just didn't make a lot of sense to me. I knew Felicia was right there with us, wings and all, celebrating more than she probably ever has in years past (can you imagine Christmas in heaven??), but that almost made it more difficult because I miss her so very much. Well, the tears threatened and halfway through the service I just couldn't contain them anymore. It actually felt good to let it go.
I especially thought of Felicia when our pastor read a story for all the children seated in front of her. It was a story about a crippled lamb who had a special purpose (to provide his warm coat for Jesus in the cold stable). I remembered Felicia reading that story to me and relating to how the lamb must have felt when he was made fun of by the other lambs. More and more Kevin and I realize that there were so many lessons Felicia taught us in her young life.
Christmas morning was easier than we thought it would be simply because it was so busy, as any house with five excited children can be! We all paused a moment when memories came of Felicia and we talked about her more than once during the opening of gifts, some of them from Felicia's treasures in her room.
In retrospect, I think the holiday went well and though we were all sad about Felicia not being with us, we knew that she really was with us. Tabby often talks about Felicia as if she's standing right beside her and in a way she is beside us, always. That's comfort for all of us.
Thank you to all of you who sent us your love and support through our first holiday season without our daughter. It meant so much to know we were being thought of.
